The Past.

Have you ever felt like the whole world is against you? Like, everyone around you dislikes you and thinks badly about you? I know what you're going to say, it's stupid to think that way. Who do I think I am that the whole world cares about me to hate me? But have you felt that way? I have. Have you thought about your life, like everything that happened and how things have turned out to be and become emotional? I have. Have you cried because you think your life is a mess? I have. Have you ever cried in the shower every time so that you won't be able to differentiate between water and tears? I have. Have you ever felt like everyone around you is a hypocrite and you can trust no one? I have. Have you ever thought that the person you cared for the most would never hurt you but you were wrong? I have. Have you ever forgiven the person who hurt you again and again because you trust that they would never repeat the same thing? I have. Have you ever been betrayed by the person you trust the most? I have. Have you ever felt like you have no one to turn to when you need someone to listen to you? I have. Have you ever felt so unworthy because no matter what you do, you are told that you're wrong? I have. Have you ever considered suicide, not once, but so many times because you cannot take the pain anymore? I have. Have you ever hurt yourself because the pain you face emotionally is greater than the physical pain? I have. Have you ever felt so ashamed to talk to God because you have sinned so badly, including hurting yourself? I have. 

No one knows, no one understands the pain I have been through. Even when I'm typing this, I'm crying. There is no one I can trust anymore in this world, blogging about it is the only way out. I need to let out my emotions, I need to let it out somewhere. I know I have changed, I'm not who I used to be anymore. I have become mean. Even I hate who I am now. When I dislike something or someone, I'll tell them off. I do not want to be nice to anyone anymore. You know why? Because that is the only way to not get hurt. That is the only way to keep myself protected. I'm starting to blame everyone for everything that happens. I'm starting to question God for letting all of these happen to me. Why me? Why is everyone doing this to me? Why did the person I trust the most lie to me and do something behind my back? Why did God take away my dad and let me go through all these? Why? Why does everyone have his or her dad to stand up for them when they're hurt, but when I turn back, my dad is not there to stand up for me? Why do people talk behind my back when they do not know my side of story? Why do people act so differently in front of me? Why do people act like they care when they don't? Why do people say they serve God, but hurt people more than those who do not serve God? Why? I'm sick of my life, sick of getting hurt, sick of people trying so hard to fit in, sick of people hurting each other, sick of the world! Why do the people i love hurt me again and again? It's so bad even after so long, I still feel the pain, I still cry when I think of it, I still get nightmares and wake up crying. No one knows. No one will know.