My father in heaven.

"Where's your dad"
"What is he working as?"
"How come I never saw him around?"

I used to be bombarded with questions about my dad when I was younger which I didn't know how to answer. I never liked talking about him. I did not hate him but I just didn't like it when people mentioned about him. How do you like it when people talk to you about the person related closely to you but you know so little about him? But there's no way I could stop people from wondering why I never talked about my dad. So most of the time when people asked where was my dad I would lie and tell them he was working outstation. That way, people would stop asking about him.

As I grew up into a teenager, I got used to living without a father. People did not care about my family unless I mentioned. I was really glad nobody asked about my dad. Even if they asked, I'd use the same lie to avoid the topic. It's really embarrassing having a dad who left us. Sometimes I'd come up with stories when I talked about my dad. In my stories, my dad was a great musician and father. I made him seem so good and people were envious. But no one knows, deep down in my heart I wished all the stories about him were true. And soon, the image of my father in my heart became so blur I almost forgotten that he existed.

Four years ago, my mom received a text. "I have cancer. Going for treatment soon. Want to see the kids." I remember every word so clearly. The message my mom showed us when we were on our way home from my relative's place after reunion lunch on Chinese New Year's eve. After reading it, I looked out the window. The words were running in my head. Then it hit me that my dad was leaving us, again. And this time, he'd never come back. I tried to hide my tears from my mom and brother, but I couldn't. I was sobbing.

It's been three years since he left us. I still blame him for leaving us. I blame him for causing the insecurities in me. One of the reasons why I think all guys are the same is because of him. I blame him for all the sufferings I go through. I blame him for not standing up for me when I'm sad. I blame him for not being there for me when I go through heartbreaks. I blame him for everything. But I never hated him. If only I had the chance to go back to that night. His last night on earth. If only I was brave enough to tell him I forgive him. If only I told him I love him before he left. If only...

But it's too late. Too late to realise how much he loved us. Too late to say "I forgive you, daddy". Too late to tell him I love him. And too late to wish him Happy Father's Day.